Lots of stuff trumps blogging

I need to get some sleep tonight; tomorrow I have to go back to working my
temp job. I do, however want to share this picture of Tater in his bouncer
with Deb (the cute little
duckling)
and
Risha (the adorable donkey).
And no, your mind is not playing tricks on you—he got cuter once again. I don’t
know how he does it or when he will stop.

A couple of people have asked about what we named our baby, and I know there are a lot more who are interested. We did come up
with a cool name chock full of meaning, aesthetic value, and sonorous resonance.
At this point in my parenthood, however, I am too paranoid about crazed lunatics
with internet access (psycho stalkers, I mean, not THH readers) to release this information. Just as I never call Mrs.
Happy by her given name online, I also plan to never mention Tater’s name either.
Sorry, that’s just how it is.

Baby pool results

I’m aware that new parents tend to believe irrational things about their children
that even the most unbalanced and exuberant mind would recognize as impossible,
but I really, honestly believe that little Tater got cuter overnight.

Anyway, it’s time to announce the winner of the baby pool. I was afraid that
there would be charges of professional misconduct when I released the information
about the scheduled C-section. Fortunately, it seems that everyone who knows
me, even online, understands that I would never cheat. What kind of role model
would that make me, in my first official act as a father? But just to alleviate
any lingering concerns, I swear that no one (including Mrs. Happy and me) knew
about the C-section before making a guess.

I have never participated in, much less organized, a pool of any kind before.
I don’t know how to run a pool any more than I know how to change a diaper.
I’ve done both all by myself now, with roughly equal success. At least none
of the pool participants slapped their feet in a pile of poop.

Things were complicated in the pool because nearly everyone guessed right
on the sex, no one guessed right on the day, and no one guessed right on the
weight. That gives us a 21-way tie, which to my competitive mind is unacceptable.
The original rules are:

  • 50 points for a correct prediction of sex, plus 25 additional points for
    each correct guess of twins’ sex if that happens (i.e., a correct prediction
    of twins earns 50 points, and correct prediction of both sexes earns 50
    more points)
  • 50 points for a correct prediction of birth date, minus one point for
    every hour between your time prediction and the actual time of birth
  • 40 points for correct poundage prediction, plus 20 additional points for
    correct prediction of ounces

I am arbitrarily and unilaterally instituting these additional rules to break
the tie:

  • Anyone who didn’t guess boy gets 20 points for being bold and
    going against the ultrasound.
  • Deb gets 25 points for guessing within 24 hours (barely) of the actual
    time of birth.
  • Mrs. Happy gets 20 points for carrying a 10-pound-plus baby in
    her diminutive frame.
  • Risha gets 25 points for guessing within one pound (barely) of the actual
    weight.
  • Joe gets 10 points for guessing the correct number of extra ounces.
  • I get fifteen points for being in the room during the birth.
  • Matt and my dad get 10 points for guessing the time of birth within one
    hour.

In a way, we’re all winners. In another, more accurate way, Deb and Risha are the winners. For all of the winners in the general sense, your prize is
the privilege of buying the new baby a
gift from his wish list
. For the winners in the specific sense, your prize
is to have a stuffed animal named for you. Because they guessed so well, Tater
will have a little plush duckling named Deb and
an adorable
plush
donkey
named
Risha.

Thank you all for playing and for being excited along with me.

Baby Pool

Contestant Sex Date Time Weight Total Points
Lori triplets
(3 boys)
Oct. 31
12:00 a.m.
8 lbs., 5 oz.
8 lbs., 4 oz.
7 lbs., 1 oz.
20
Deb boy Nov. 4
2:30
p.m.
8 lbs., 8 oz.
75
MCF boy Nov. 4
7:23 p.m.
9 lbs., 0 oz.
50
Mrs. Happy boy Nov. 5
3:12 a.m.
8 lbs., 10 oz.
70
Jeff boy Nov. 7
9:52 a.m.
8 lbs., 11 oz.
50
Risha boy Nov. 8
3:28 a.m.
9
lbs., 7 oz.
75
Joe boy Nov. 10
2:30 a.m.
8 lbs., 6 oz.
60
Curt boy Nov. 10
9:40 p.m.
8 lbs., 9 oz.
65
Amy S. boy Nov. 10
9:45 p.m.
7 lbs., 12 oz.
50
Elaina boy Nov. 11
10:00 p.m.
8 lbs., 9 oz.
50
Derek boy Nov. 12
11:58 p.m.
9 lbs., 2.175 oz.
50
Daniel boy Nov. 13
12:13 a.m.
7 lbs., 8 oz.
50
Amy
P.
boy Nov. 13
4:00 p.m.
7 lbs., 8 oz.
50
Louisa boy 14 Nov.
4:56 a.m.
8 lbs., 4 oz.
50
Firefly girl Nov. 14
5:55 p.m.
8 lbs., 7 oz.
20
Ruth boy Nov. 15
5:32 a.m.
8 lbs., 14 oz.
50
Ashley boy Nov. 15
7:23 a.m.
8 lbs., 3 oz.
50
Rey boy Nov. 15
10:34 p.m.
7 lbs., 10.5 oz.
50
Kev twins
(boy, girl)
Nov. 19
11:00 a.m.
6 lbs., 15 oz.
20
Matt BOY Nov. 19
3:36 p.m.
8 lbs., 9 oz.
60
mopsy boy Nov. 20
6:33 p.m.
9 lbs., 4 oz.
50
Sara boy Nov. 21
10:41 a.m.
8 lbs., 13 oz.
50
Miss O’Hara twins
(boy, girl)
Nov. 22 11:33 p.m.
6 lbs., 9 oz.
6 lbs., 9 oz.
20
Robin boy Nov. 23
2:30 a.m.
9 lbs., 4 oz.
50
Curt’s Dad boy Nov. 24
1:45 p.m.
7 lbs., 8 oz.
60

Another message from Baby Happy

Something strange is happening that I find myself at a loss to explain. I’m
sensing a sort of unfamiliar commotion in part of my dwelling. I must admit
to feeling
somewhat
disconcerted.
The commotion seems to be growing, though I can fathom neither its source nor
its purpose. I have in the past felt a sensation of hands pressing against
me from outside my dwelling, but at the moment the touching seems rather vigorous;
in fact, I would describe it as pushing rather than touching. The sensation
is not wholly unpleasant but I do wish it would sto— wait a minute. What’s
happening? I’m being pulled out of my— HOLY CRAP!!!
PUT
ME BACK!!! MY LUNGS ARE BURNING AND I’M FREEZING MY ASS OFF!!!! AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
WHAT IS THIS?!! WHERE’S MY MAMA?!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
SON OF A—


A note from Curt

I hope you can all forgive my son for forgetting himself at this moment, and
I hope he’ll forgive me for cutting him off before he blogs anything he’ll
regret later on. He was born by scheduled C-section earlier today (it was scheduled
only last Friday, so there was no cheating in the pool) because our doctor
feared he might be too big for a safe vaginal birth. Here are his
vitals
(I will tally the baby pool guesses as soon as I can):

Born: Thursday, Nov. 3 at 2:42 p.m.
Weight: 10 lbs., 6 oz.
Length: 22 inches

I’ve never really been around babies, so I have no frame of reference, but
everyone at the hospital took one look at him and said "Now that is one big baby."

This has been a surreal day. I can’t tell whether I’m emotionally overwhelmed,
emotionally numb, or just exhausted, but I can’t really express any feelings
right now. Baby and his mama are both doing amazingly well. C-sections are
never pleasant, but this one seems to have gone off without a hitch. I will
certainly write more about this later.

Heeeeeeere’s Curt!

Tonight I’ll be playing the role of Carnac the Adequate, a poor imitation
of Johnny Carson’s Carnac
the Magnificent
. For those of you too young or uneducated to remember The
Tonight Show
before Jay Leno, Carson used to periodically don a turban
and "predict" the answer to a question inside a sealed envelope. He would
then open the envelope and read the question, which provided the punch line.

A. A pair of forceps.
Q. What beats a pair of threeceps in poker?

A. The Babylonian captivity.
Q. What is it called when a woman can’t leave home for a while because she
is taking care of a newborn?

A. No.
Q. Are you still accepting entries into the baby pool?

A. No, but ask me again tomorrow.
Q. Has your baby been born yet?